The reason...

The reason she begs to be sick.
The reason she pulls back when being held.
The reason she asks me if I will be with her forever.
The reason she packs bag after bag after bag.
The reason she folds and unfolds her clothes.
The reason she wants to show off and hang up all her clothes.
The reason she wants a drink of water at every inconvenient time of the night.
The reason why she wants to chug the entire cup of water.
The reason she wants to take up my entire lap.
The reason why eye contact for long term seems painful.

Those moments when it's just her and I... She will look at me with those beautiful eyes and say, "Forever, mommom."
And I answer, "and always." She always smiles that award winning smile and hugs me tight.

I think how of how the events in her life have formed her precious heart. The loss of her birth mom... The loss of her foster mom... And then the loss of her precious orphanage and friends...

Her heart has been broken so many times. She is still looking for reassurance that I am the real deal.

That I will baby her when she is sick.
That I will hug her tighter when she pulls back.
That I will be forever this time.
That she will have every thing she needs in that bag, just in case.
That I will need her because she can fold and hang up better than my 16 year old.
Finally she has a mom to bring her a drink of water in the middle of the night.... And no one else.
She drinks it all because she may not get one until morning.
How many times has she been pushed off someone's lap for someone needier?

The eye contact.... How many times before I came along did she try for that eye contact only to be told... Go on.. Go do this.. Hurry up... Move along.

Until it now hurts... Afraid of the pain.

She is without my daughter born in my heart.


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